IF THEY HAD A BABY ABERCROMBIE STORE, THEY'D HIRE HIM TO WORK THE FRONT DOOR, RIGHT? JUST STANDIN' THERE SHIRTLESS, PROPPED UP. CAN YOU IMAGINE IF THEY HAD A CHILD? ¶ AHH ¶ WAS THAT SIMBA? WHAT THE ? WAS THAT SIMBA? THAT'S THE BECKHAM-PITT KID? THAT'S 'PITTKHAM'? THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHILD THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN.

AT THAT LEVEL, IT'S ART, YOU MONKEY, OKAY? YOU SHOULD BE HONORED THAT YOU SHARE THE SAME RESTROOM WITH THOSE GREEK GODS. IF THERE'S A MAN IN HERE THAT'S JUNK DOESN'T WIGGLE JUST A LITTLE BIT AT THE THOUGHT OF THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER- THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR HOMOPHOBIC *** PREFERENCE. CAN YOU IMAGINE THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER MAKING LOVE? OH. OKAY? AM I THE ONLY PERSON THAT HOPES DAVID BECKHAM HAS SEX WITH BRAD PITT? I DON'T KNOW WHO'S IN CHARGE OF CASTING IN HOLLYWOOD, BUT MAKE IT HAPPEN BEFORE ONE OF THEM'S OUT OF THEIR PRIME. REMEMBER THAT LITTLE TRENDY LITTLE CUT? POSH SPICE? LOOKS LIKE MY TESTICLES. ISN'T THAT DAMAGING TO THE HAIR?' AND I'M LIKE, 'YEAH, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?' I WISH VICTORIA BECKHAM WOULD KNOCK IT OFF WITH ALL THE CUTE DOS. SO NOW WHEN PEOPLE SEE MY BALLS, IT'S LIKE, 'OH, MY GOODNESS. IF YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR, YOU JUST WANT STRAIGHT HAIR. MOM! WIPE ME! I RECENTLY STARTED FLAT-IRONING MY BALL HAIR. IT'S A PRE-SHOWER, AGREED? CAN WE MOVE ON, STICKLERS TO EVERY JOKE DETAIL? YOU EVER HAVE A POST-SHOWER ? OH, MIGHT AS WELL GO BACK TO BED AND START YOUR WHOLE DAY OVER. YOU HAD ME AT 'HELLO.' THEY'RE LIKE, 'YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR PANTS COMPLETELY OFF TO SIT ON THE TOILET BACKWARDS?' TOUCHE. OH, LET'S SEE WHAT THIS NICE FAN HAS TO SAY. SOMEBODY EMAILED ME, AND THEY'RE LIKE, 'HEY, DIP-' WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, IS A WONDERFUL SUBJECT LINE IF YOU EVER WANT ME TO READ YOUR EMAILS. 'BUT I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT, AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO ENJOY A BOWL OF PUFFINS WITH WHOLE MILK.' THAT'S MORE OF AN ALMOND MILK CEREAL, BUT LIVE YOUR DREAM. MULTITASK.' ALL RIGHT, NOBODY SHOULD EAT WHILE ON THE TOILET. 'YOU'RE TELLING ME I COULD TURN AROUND, 'HAVE A BOWL OF CEREAL, YEAH? 'SET THE ALARM TEN MINUTES LATER. 'I'VE BEEN SITTING ON THAT THING MY WHOLE LIFE. YEAH, THE PEOPLE THAT ARE CLAPPING RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE THE ONES LIKE, 'OKAY, ALL KIDDING ASIDE, 'HE IS A GENIUS.

'WE'RE LISTENING.' IT'S NICE, RIGHT? YOU CAN TURN AROUND. AM I USING THAT WEBSITE PROPERLY? SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SIT ON THE TOILET IN REVERSE. NOW, IF YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER, YOU KNOW I HAD DIARRHEA TODAY. THE POWER IN OUR HOUSEHOLD HAS SHIFTED DRAMATICALLY. SHE'S ONE OPINION AWAY FROM BEING REPLACED. IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME. I BOUGHT MYSELF AN EXTRA TWO HOURS TO WATCH THE GAME. YOU ARE SO PATIENT.' AND I'LL BE LIKE, 'FOR WHAT? YOU LOOK DISGUSTING.' RIGHT? YEAH. SHE'LL TAKE AN HOUR AND A HALF TO GET READY, COME DOWN AND BE LIKE, 'OH, MY GOODNESS. THAT'S JUST LESS TIME I HAVE TO SPEND WITH HER HORRIBLE FRIENDS PRETENDING THAT I DON'T WANT TO KILL MYSELF. SO I COULD CARE LESS HOW LONG IT TAKES HER TO GET READY. AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I NEVER WANT TO GO ANYWHERE. HE LIVES.' A LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE COMPLAIN THAT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER TAKES TOO LONG TO GET READY TO GO OUT AT NIGHT. I SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE? AS IF A SNIPER WOULD GET FRUSTRATED. SHE GOES, 'HEY, YOU EVER WORRY ABOUT GETTING SHOT WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE?' I'M LIKE, 'WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?' SHE FOLLOWED IT WITH, 'YOU SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE.' UH, YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO READING YOUR VAMPIRE BOOKS. BREAK A LEG.' THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID TO ME A FEW WEEKS AGO RIGHT BEFORE I WALKED ON STAGE. SOMETIMES BEFORE I WALK ON STAGE, MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT SAY, 'HAVE A GOOD SHOW. THAT JOKE IS CALLED 'LATINOS ARE CRIMINALS.' THAT'S JUST THE TITLE. IT'S NOT A STEREOTYPE IF IT'S ALWAYS TRUE. THEN IT FINALLY WOULD BE A JURY OF ONE'S OWN PEERS. THEY SHOULD SERVE EXCLUSIVELY ON JURY DUTY. I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION IN THIS COUNTRY EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THEY DON'T SERVE ON JURY DUTY. I'M NOT GONNA GUESS WHAT YOUR PERSONAL LINE OF DECENCY IS. IF I OFFEND ANYBODY TONIGHT, I APOLOGIZE. 'SAN FRANCISCO: 'MORE BUTT PER SQUARE FOOT. AW, MORE BUTT PER SQUARE FOOT THAN IN ANY PLACE IN THE WORLD. FOR CLAPPING FOR WHAT MY PARENTS ARE ASHAMED OF.

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